I’m still here….

Finally, on a day I’m at home with yet another allergic reaction to some unknown trigger, I’m able to do some writing. Finally. I’ve been wanting to write so bad over these past couple of months. Unfortunately, my life and my whole world as I knew it changed about 6 months ago.

You see, on March 6, 2014, I became a victim of infidelity. My husband came home that evening and dropped a bombshell on me. He told me had been having an affair, fell in love with the whore (can I say that? Yes, it’s MY blog and it IS the truth – it’s not me just being jealous or petty because believe me, I could NEVER be jealous of someone like HER), and, no, he didn’t want to fix the marriage. Then he packed a bag and left. That’s it. My whole world shattered that evening. I was left sitting in shock, disbelief, anger, and confusion.

That very same morning I received an email that my blog had been nominated for one of the top 10 Food Blogs for 2014. I was so, so happy!!! Finally my blog was heading in the direction I had been working hard on getting it to!! I was dancing. I was happy. I was screaming with excitement!! I was so happy that morning. Little did I know my world was actually falling apart around me at that moment and I didn’t even know it. (You can read my post that I had started writing that afternoon here: I’ve Been Nominated!).

Crazy how in just one day, a person can go to being on top of the world to being utterly lost and scared to death of life. I had been married once before and that marriage also ended because of infidelity. That one was hard for me to deal with as I instantly became a single mother with a young child. However, that first marriage was a very short one and I had already been on my own for almost a year so I healed faster in terms of being able to function on a daily basis. That trust that was broken by my “first love” caused me to be on my own for almost ten years. It took that long before I felt ready enough to try to trust and love again.

So fast forward another 11 years and I was so very happily married to my best friend and soul mate. Or so I thought. He never told me why. He never told me what was wrong. I never knew “we” were having issues. Still to this day, I don’t know what happened. He just walked out the door.

After being together almost 11 years, I had allowed myself to become totally dependent on him. He was the main bread winner and my income was just supplementing his. Everything we had was in his name alone. I blindly gave him all my delicate trust when I fell deeply in love with him. I never once thought twice about any of that because I honestly never thought that he wasn’t my forever. I just saw us growing old together, enjoying some grandkids, and spending our golden years reminiscing about that crazy but wonderful life we had spent together. We had some pretty amazing memories from those first 10 years together – I never thought it would just end.

But it did. He just walked out that door. He walked away from everything. I was left sitting here surrounded by our memories and his stuff. To say I was blindsided is putting it mildly. Not only was I left sitting in shock, hurt, disbelief – oh so many emotions – I was consumed with fear. I had no idea how on earth I was going to take care of myself financially. I didn’t know how I was going to go to work in the morning and put on a smile for my kiddos at school. I didn’t know if I could even look at anyone in the eye because I was afraid they’d see whatever it is that’s wrong with me that would cause my husband to just walk away.

My best friend became ice water in the first couple of weeks after that. I tried to eat but it was so hard. I couldn’t sleep much, but when I did sleep, I developed night terrors. I became afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares and then I would be afraid to wake up because my living nightmare would become real once again.

Thank God for the internet!!! I don’t think I would have made it through those first weeks and months if it hadn’t have been for my friends and family. Being in touch with so many via chat and messages truly helped me keep my sanity. I also found an online support group who really keep me grounded when I need to be. One of the things he said to me that night he destroyed my heart was: “you’re strong and can handle this”. Really??? Say that while you’re slowly turning a knife in my heart??

Now, six long months later, I can say Damn Right!!! I AM strong enough to handle this!!! I do still have nightmares at times, I still suffer from anxiety attacks, I still have down days, I still cry from time to time, and I still wonder what happened, but I AM moving on. I am functioning. I have accepted what has happened and that, subsequently, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD which I need to be medicated for. I’m still not at complete peace with it though. I still can’t forgive. That may take years, but you know what?? I will be okay. I did nothing wrong to deserve what happened and the position I was left in.

I now work a variety of jobs trying to earn what I need to in order to be self sufficient again. I still have my “lunch lady” job and I also took on the challenge of opening a brand new restaurant as their kitchen manager. Between those two and a couple of other jobs I do, I barely have time to myself anymore. Phew!!!

A lot of things died in me the night he left, including my enjoyment of making my decoupaged plates. I was in the middle of an order at that time and just cannot bring myself to finish it. I have to pay the money back for that order…. I truly didn’t know what, if anything, I’d ever find joy in again. Luckily, my passion for writing and food carries on!

I will be making changes to my blog in the near future and removing “Scott’s Spot”. I won’t remove all the stories that he’s a part of because one day, I’ll be okay with reading them and remembering that we did have a good marriage and relationship. That it really wasn’t a decade of wasted years. I’d really like to believe that.

I have so many new things to share on here! Working in a restaurant is amazing!!!! I have new recipes, school stories, and a whole bunch of other stories I’m itching to share! I hope to get to a point within all this new “busyness” that I can write more often. However, for today, I just wanted to share what is behind my quietness here on That Crafty Lunch Lady.

I am still here and I’m still cooking! Oh, and in case you’re wondering – That Crafty Lunch Lady did make the top 10 Food Blogs for 2014 AND my blog is now also featured on TheBesty – a website that helps you discover the best restaurants and dishes in your city and when you travel based on input from bloggers. Woo Hoo!!  (Stop by my page on TheBesty and follow me!)

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