~Still Struggling~

After struggling through this past week, I’m finding a little strength  to write again. Actually,I’m truly feeling like I’m being driven to put this all down on paper. Well, virtual paper…

Unfortunately the hopeful optimism I felt in my last post didn’t last long. I find myself going through valleys of wonderful, awesome highs and scary, dark lows with a lot of twist and turns and tears in between.

While my love of cooking has returned, I’m very sad that nothing else really has yet. I write down recipes, take pictures of food, and sing and dance all while doing that, but when I sit down to work with it, all the joy just goes away again. I can’t yet bring myself to edit my pictures or work with crafts or even look at my blog. I had no idea that I lost so much in this past year just from one devastating event. I was truly hoping that by the time 2015 arrived, all the hurt and pain would be gone and I would be moved on to something bigger and better for me. That’s not the case at all.

I’m not divorced yet because I cannot agree to the ridiculousness of the “terms”. That’s all I can focus on right now, besides being scared to death of potentially becoming homeless. The way in which he left me and the living conditions in which he left me in do not make for me being very agreeable to his “terms”.

If you read my last post (I’m Still Here), you know he left me for a married whore (and they are now living together). What I didn’t share and haven’t shared with hardly anyone is the living conditions in which we lived in. I’m ashamed of this house and had been for quite a long time – hence the reason we never invited anyone to our house. But now, I feel like I need to share this to get it off my chest. I can no longer feel guilty for the conditions of this place as I never was the one who had the income needed to make any repairs. I still don’t have the income to fix it, but even if I did, I no longer care about this place. I want out. I wanted out of this house for years.

You see, one of the “terms” of the divorce is that he originally wanted me to pay HALF the mortgage to stay here. Uh, I couldn’t help pay when you lived here, I don’t know what makes you think I can now. I mean, yes, I do have 3 jobs now, but my priority is to save money to GET OUT!!! ….Sorry, I digressed there…. Then he reduced the “terms” to $200 a month so that he can put some away for possible repairs. I lost a gasket in my brain when I read the words “possible repairs”.

This house was falling apart on the day he left me. There are numerous roof leaks, most of my appliances don’t work (I haven’t been able to cook in an oven for over 3 years now, but he graciously added in the “terms” that I can have the appliances…), most of the light fixtures half work (I use a heat lamp in my bedroom for light), the plumbing barely works (I am down to one bathroom that functions), and most disturbing/embarrassing of all is that this place is over ridden with bugs. None of that has changed or gotten worse since he left. Yes, there are holes in the walls placed there by all three of our kids over the years we lived here. The house does have typical wear and tear from 10 years of living life. Half of the mess still laying around everywhere is his.  This is what he left me in when he walked away that night.

When I last posted, I was working 5 jobs. Now I’m down to 3. The kitchen manager position I had was taken away from me when they hired a new restaurant manager and then they reduced my hours to 10 a week and reduced my pay to just minimum wage. I politely handed in my uniform…. The Summer Feeding program was just for the summer, obviously. So with these 3 jobs (including a promotion to Manager In Training in food services!!!) my income has improved, but not to the point of being able to be completely independent.

I traded him my car that I loved for one that he bought as I couldn’t afford a car payment. He kept telling me he wished he could pay the car off and just give it to me. Whatever. The reality is that I can’t afford to pay for a home AND a car. I’m scared that I can’t even afford a place to live either. Well, I could afford somewhere to live but then I wouldn’t be able to eat or put gas in the paid-for car. <<Sigh>>

I’ve looked into the Section 8 program – it could take up to 2 years before being approved!!! I can’t wait that long. It’s imperative that I’m out of this hell hole before the end of 2015!!! I just pray that a way will be placed in front of me that will work.

If nothing else over this past year, I’ve learned a lot more about faith, compassion, gratitude, and humility. I still have a lot of grief and hurt to overcome as I found out this past holiday week, but I have also learned that the only way to heal from the pain is to actually go through it. Rascal Flatts’ song, “Let It Hurt”, spoke to me so perfectly early on after he left.  Here’s the chorus:

“So let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
Let it burn to the worst degree
May not be what you want, but it’s what you need
Sometimes the only way around it
Is to let love do it’s work
And let it hurt
Yeah, let it hurt”

I know I’m going to be okay, it’s a just a long road getting there. I am still here and still yearn to find the joy in the things I used to love doing. In the meantime, loyal readers, please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I don’t know when I’ll write again, but hopefully it will be soon and with a whole new beginning in front of me.